Friday, 2 August 2013

A post inspired by and dedicated to my beloved ma. I love you. I miss you. I thank you.




This post, very different to my usual posts, probably the hardest post I have ever had to prepare and write...

On 24th June 2013 I lost someone that meant more than the world to me... my mammy. So even though my mum doesn't read or speak any english I guess this is a dedication post to her, to share with the world what an amazing woman she was and just how much she meant to me, my dad, my sisters, my nan, my aunties, uncles and cousins.

The amount of times I have started writing this post and stopped I've lost count...
I just want to never stop typing about her and to keep sharing all the amazing things she was, did and said. So I would like to apologise in advance for the massive essay.

It has been 1 Month 1 Week 1 Day without mum... from the moment she left us I have no words to describe how I feel other than lost and scared... terrified. For the past 2 years she was my reason, my purpose in life - to make mum happy, to be the perfect daughter and to look after her and to provide whatever it was she wanted or needed.

When mum left my side I found myself struggling, my purpose in life was no longer needed and I felt utterly lost. However I tried to focus on the things I promised my mum, to look after dad, to be okay, to be strong and to look after one another... oh another silly promise I made was 'to wear less eyeliner' why why did I promise this? you guys all know how much I love and how much I am attached to my eyeliner! lol, however mum always preferred me to wear less eye make up, this is why you will probably notice a lot of my future outfit post I will be quite 'bare eyed'! I'm sure she will understand the occasional beauty blog post though ;)

I'm scared but I made promises to my mum and I will do all the things she wanted me to do and I shall keep all the promises I made and not let her down, otherwise I'm sure she would be looking down on me shouting and mouthing off "you promised this... You promised that" just exactly how she once said to me when she was in hospital..
"Hey Leamen, where's my salad sauce?! You promised?!" Like a child asking for sweets.
"Oops, sorry mum I forgot..."

For the past week I have tried very hard to get my life back on it's feet... I know this is what mum would of wanted, for me to be simply, happy. I started to go out and see friends again and started to job hunt, which I am very pleased to announce that with the help of my guardian angel, I have been successful at a job interview and I am officially the Visual Merchandiser for a new store opening in September. Thank you mum, I know this is the luck you have sent our way.



My ma was simply perfect. When I say perfect I mean, she was stunning in every single way. She was beautiful, perfect figure, perfect complexion & her hilarious personality was what I loved most. When mum got sick, I started a little brown book diary, in which I wrote only happy memories. Inside, I would write anything mum did or said which made me laugh. Every time I pick up this book and flick to a random page there would be a very random story about mum and every time I will chuckle because this diary is a reminder of who my mum was... a beautiful, very funny, very blunt & incredibly strong woman.

I am so proud of mum, from the moments she got diagnosed to the very last moment of her life my mum was the strongest woman I have ever witnessed. Seeing mum face chemotherapy, radiotherapy third and forthline treatment was tough but every time she would face her fears with strength and courage. Multiple times mum got rushed into hospital, and each time she would be so brave... Doctors and nurses warned us that mums last days she would stop eating and drinking however my ma was really really one of a kind, up until her last day she would wake up and ask me for water and a biscuit, and I know she did this not because she was hungry, but it was a way to gain more strength and more energy. I am one of three proudest daughters on this earth and I really am inspired by my mother, not only by her amazing fashion sense but more importantly her strength, her courage and her willingness to fought this terrifying illness.

The outfits and make up I am wearing in this post were all inspired by my ma's fashion flair, as you can see from photos my mum was a massive poser and it would come so natural to her! Whilst I have to pose and take 50 million photos before I am happy with the 1!
Even though many say I look like my mum, and as thrilled I am to hear this I am nowhere near as flawless as she was but the fact I resemble her makes me smile from inside out. I know when mum looked at me she felt she saw me as a mini version of herself and I loved that about mine and mums relationship. I was the baby of the family and I feel very in awe to be apart of mum, apart of this beautiful family. Although mum is no longer with us, she still lives on through me and my sisters...

The jewellery photographed for this post all belonged my ma, the watch and ring being something handed down from her to me and the bracelet was something I picked from her pile of junk jewellery for keep sakes. It looked vintage, it looked like it belonged to mum and it stood out to me amongst the rest of her stuff.

I must use this chance to thank my family, not just my amazing dad who did everything in his power to look after mum, to love her and to make sure she was always comfortable, I honestly cannot fault him or his love for my mother... and my 2 sisters, that stood by each other so tight I don't think we could of been this strong without any one of us.
But I also wanted to thank my aunties, my uncles & my cousins who provided nothing but unconditional support to mum and my family. I realise its very very hard to get a family this tight, this close, and to feel loved by every single one of you really makes me feel special. Special to be apart of this amazing, strong family. I love you all...

I want to thank my friends. All my friends who stand by me during this time. After mums death, I had a long time to think, and I truly see who the real friends are... there is no better time to figure this out. This is by far the worst thing I have ever had to deal with, and the ones who understands the absence of my friendship for the past years are the ones I believe are my true friends. I cannot thank you guys enough for being who you are, for loving me unconditionally and for supporting me with whatever I needed... in this case, it was silence and time. I love you guys.

One last thank you and thats to my beloved mum. Thank you for giving me life, a perfect childhood and a perfect life ahead of me, I just wish you was here to hold my hand through every obstacle I may face on the way... however I know you will always be my guardian angel. Thank you for teaching me everything you have and for all the memories you have given us. I cannot express how much we love and miss you, it's more than you could ever imagine. Thank you for being you.

All my love,
Your BB. x

9 comments:

  1. You are like Mums shadow. Beautiful inside and out, you have a good heart just like mum. Never stop being you. I look at u and I see her. It's comforting. I miss her so much it hurts but I also made a promise to mum and myself. I will make her proud and when we meet on the other side, I will be telling her about all the things I managed to accomplish! Although I'm pretty sure she's watching over us along the way anyway. So, we'll keep smiling and do the things we do, because that will be what mum wants. You can go and do the things you've always wanted now, I know it's not the same but listen, you are mums double and she "ALWAYS" got her own way and what she wanted lol. Jokes aside, thank u for this beautiful post, I know it wasnt easy to write, but you'll find it comforting to read it again and again as you go by day to day... Don't worry though, as you say, we'll stick together as a family! Well done on ur new job! No one deserves it more. Love u xx

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  2. I can imagine this is the hardest blogpost you have written but at the same time its going to be one of your favourites and proudest posts. Walking into your house yesterday and seeing you in the white shirt and floral bottoms, taking photos for this post, you reminded for so much of your mum in her photo. Your mum in that outfit is definitely one of my favourites. With your make-up being so natural AND with no eye-liner, thats when you look most like your mum and maybe thats why your mum didn't like you to wear so much eyeliner so she can see how much you look like her on the inside and out. Both as beautiful.

    I still find it hard to believe that its only been 5 weeks since shes left us. It seems like we haven't seen her for a very very long time. When im over your place, I miss her voice shouting at your dad so much and her cute feet kicking on her bed. I've still not managed to play the last video that you made of your mum, as much as I want I want to see all her beautiful photos in one video, I know its going to be too hard watching it as the feeling of watching it would reminds me so much of the first week that she left us but I know as time pass, it will be a video that I will watch with happy tears.

    Lea, thank you again for being super amazing! Right from the moment your mum got ill, you've been one of the strongest and keeping us uptodate with her condition and every hospital appointments. Not many people can do that, even when news is bad and you should need time to let it sink in, you would still update us straight away because you know we're worried and that proves how considerate of a person you are. You always make the situation a lot easier for us and for being very patient when the whole family is in and out of your house hogging time with your mum. Theres not a day goes by without thinking about her. Shes always going to be my beautifulest and strongest aunt in the world.

    I know your mum and me as your cousin is super proud of you! xxx

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  3. Hi Lea, I'm so sorry to hear of your sad news. Your blog post brought tears to my eyes and I'm sure your mum would be so proud of you and what you have written about her. You really do look like her. The book you have filled with happy memories is such a wonderful thing to do and will always brighten your day and make you smile when you read it. Keep going with your wonderful blog and your new job and you mum will always be proudly looking down on you.

    Sophie x

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  4. I am so sorry you lost your mum! I'm sure shes still watching over you and is proud of you and Kaka. Stay strong! Xxx

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  5. this bought tears to my eyes, and I am so sorry you had to lose your mum to cancer, life really is cruel sometimes. But, you do resemble her, and I am sure you are as beautiful inside, like her, as you are on the outside. Stay strong and keep smiling through the rough times, and keep blogging, it's great :) x

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  6. Oh my gosh this is such a lovely lovely post!those photos are just so beautiful!x

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  7. this is the most beautiful post, so moving xxxxxxxxxx

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  8. What an absolutely beautiful and brave post. Your mum is beautiful and you really do look so like her! She sounds like an amazing woman and I'm sure she'd be proud of you xx

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  9. Thank you for opening up to your readers, it must've been so hard to do...
    You've been through a lot and I admire your strength to still stay strong through it all!
    I've only met you today and it feels like I know you so well, I want to be here for you too =]
    You're truly amazing, and I bet your sisters are too, so all you need to do now is look after each other!
    Thank you for sharing this post with me, I feel honoured to have read it, but yes, I am crying again and even typing this comment is proving difficult for me, I'd hate to have to think the pain that you went through, but your mama is safe now.
    She is a beautiful woman and so are you, you should be very proud that your mama lived her life for you!

    Take care b

    DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF MI | J Y U K I M I

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